Interpretation of the Nineteenth Rule of Love

Rule Number 19 — If you want to change the way others treat you, you should first change the way you treat yourself. Unless you learn to love yourself, fully and sincerely, there is no way you can be loved. Once you achieve that stage, however, be thankful for every thorn that others might throw at you. It is a sign that you will soon be showered in roses.”

– Shams, to Desert Rose.

Context - This rule unfolds when Shams meets Desert Rose, a harlot living in a brothel. Though she longs to know God, she feels unworthy because of her profession. In this moment of inner conflict, Shams guides her through this teaching.

Interpretation within the Story - Just before encountering Shams, Desert Rose is driven away from a mosque by an angry mob because of her identity. Shams rescues her, and their meeting becomes a turning point in the story.

Desert Rose shares her sorrow, believing that even God has abandoned her. She feels unworthy to listen to Rumi simply because of who she is.

In response, Shams offers this rule, pointing out that her lack of self-worth is reflected in how others treat her. When seen from this perspective, the rule becomes clear: the way we perceive and treat ourselves shapes the way the world responds to us.

Deeper Interpretation Beyond the Story - This rule again applies at every level, whether material or spiritual. It suggests that many of the limitations and prisons we experience are self-created. Our outer reality mirrors our inner state.

As Osho once said:

“Have you ever thought about it? Do you love yourself? Have you any respect for yourself? Forget about love, forget about respect; do you even accept yourself as you are?”

These questions alone are enough to grasp the essence of this rule. If I do not value myself, who will? If I do not respect or love myself, who else can? If I cannot accept myself, how can I expect acceptance from others?

This was Desert Rose’s struggle, and it is a struggle many of us share. We often complain about being mistreated, but if we look deeply, we may see that such treatment reflects our own relationship with ourselves.

That is why Shams says:

“If you want to change the way others treat you, you should first change the way you treat yourself. Unless you learn to love yourself, fully and sincerely, there is no way you can be loved.”

This does not mean that those who mistreat us will suddenly transform. Rather, they will gradually disappear from our lives, making space for people who value us, because we have begun to value ourselves.

How to Love Yourself?

This raises an important question: how does one truly love oneself?

We are often taught to love others, but rarely ourselves. Yet, just like in any other aspect of life, you cannot give what you do not possess. To share love, you must first experience it within.

Loving yourself can begin in simple ways, much like how you would express love to someone else. Offer yourself kindness. Give yourself gifts. Take yourself out for a meal. Engage in activities that bring you joy.

As this self-love grows and overflows, it naturally extends to others. When you treat yourself well, you begin to notice that the world reflects that same care back to you. This is the essence of the first part of the rule.

Understanding the “Thorns and Roses”

The second part of the rule may seem confusing: “Be thankful for every thorn that others might throw at you. It is a sign that you will soon be showered in roses.”

This must be understood metaphorically, not literally, as a literal reading could lead to unhealthy interpretations.

Gratitude for negativity becomes possible only when one reaches a level of inner evolution where praise and criticism no longer disturb the inner balance. At that stage, one rises above duality.

We can also say that once I recognize my own worth, what others say about me, whether praise or criticism, loses its significance. It is only when we are unaware of our own value that we begin to seek validation from others and depend on their approval to feel fulfilled.

It is not that negative people suddenly change. Rather, they lose their relevance and gradually fade away from our lives. What remains are positive people and uplifting experiences, the “roses.”

How does this happen?

It is explained through the same sequence in the story - https://www.astrosaxena.com/articles/VibeTribeLikeAttractsLike . There is a character of a beggar who goes to the mosque to listen to Rumi. When Rumi speaks about accepting pain and suffering, the beggar walks out of the sermon, saying, “What does Rumi know about suffering?”

At the same time, Desert Rose enters the mosque to listen to Rumi and struggles to find a place to sit in the crowded gathering. Suddenly, she notices that the beggar has vacated his spot, and she gratefully takes that place to sit, listen, and immerse herself in Rumi’s words.

In this way, a person who is not receptive to Rumi or divine guidance naturally leaves the scene and is replaced by someone who is open and receptive.

Another way to see it is that an evolved person no longer distinguishes between roses and thorns. Everything is accepted as a blessing from the divine.

Gratitude!!!